Explorations can create conflict and misunderstanding
__In this world , lands were always be found out by explorations. There were many kinds of explorations long time ago. Some of them found a new land and take care with the native people , and some were not. When the explorers got on to the land , most of native people won't let them on and they would be looking strange at them. If the explorers can't give the things they like or need , the native people may not welcome to them. If their language are not the same , that would be very difficult for them to conmmunicate. That's may be very easy to create conflict and misunderatanding.
__Also , some great people find a land but lost his life. Mr.Magellan--the man who found India was killed by native people. He in order to conquer this fertile and rich land , he had a lot of bold ambitions to do this. He attempted to use the native people's conflict to achieve his purpose , but in a conflict with local tribes , the Magellan was dead.
__Magellan fleet last Nov.28,1520 exit of the Strait of 550 kilometers in length into the vast Pacific Ocean.Magellan led the remaining three boats started the journey across the South China Sea. At first , they sail north , began to change after the voyage to the northwest and the direction of flight due west to the Moluccas. Although Magellan awarded of the Moluccas near the equator , but still command the fleet crossed the equator , they sailed to the north latitude of 10 degree near by the water area.
__However , there were a little foods on the boat and water to eat and drink. The most terrible thing is that almost everyone on the boat infected with the scurvy.
__Soon , Magellan become the new protector of Christians. He was in a conflict between two leaders of the island. April 21,1512 night , Magellan led his 60 men took three boats to their and disaster killed by axes.
__Now , you can see he was one of the explorer that was killed by the conflict of the exploration. The explorers won't create conflict and misunderstanding if they just wanted to open their mind. The people from the same country as the explorers must be wanted to have a bigger house , a bigger land , they must let the explorers to find a new land and make some of the people can live there. Some explorer started to argue with these native people and then they started war. That's why exploration can create conflict and misunderstanding.
You need to take away the numbers. Put it into an essay. You only have sentences and numbers.
回复删除Please look at other students to get an example of how to make your writing look like an essay.
I can't mark it until you put it in. This is the same for your Exploration is important essay.
Focus 2.5/4
回复删除You focus on the life of the explorer but don't connect it to the topic. Your thesis statement is not clear. It needs to have three ideas. Are you writing a narrative? I am not sure. You need to plan before you write your essay.
Organization 2.5/4
Some of your paragraphs are very short and are missing topic and concluding sentences. Thesis statement is not in the last sentence of your introduction.
Content 2.5/4
You have a lot of details about the explorer but you don't explain how this is important to show the topic. Body paragraph 4/5 are not really in a paragraph structure.
Usage 2.5/4
Some little mistakes. You should have a friend check your essay or read it out loud to catch some of the mistakes.
Style 2.5/4
There is a confusion. Are you writing a story? Use more of your own words to describe the explorer.
12.5/20 x2 = 25/40